Sunday, August 15, 2010

newborn dreaming

baby 'cause it's raining on Sunday, storming like crazy. we'll hide under the covers all afternoon..

So while I had big plans today to take Abby to some great park today, or for a fun stroll around the mall & lunch out on the town, or head downtown to walk around the harbor....we stayed in. Abby slept in until 11:00, Jake napped on and off until 4:00 (yes, 4:00 in the afternoon) and then Abs went down for a nap around 2:00 and slept until 5:00. I had little energy to do something with myself..but when Abby woke up from her nap I spent a good 30 minutes trying to come up with something to do. All the parks are going to be muddy & gross, and it still looks like it's going to rain more. The malls are closed, every thing is closed. Oh! We could go back to the fair! Closed. Oh! We could go to the library and get some new books for mama and for baby, closed. I ran out of options when Jake said why don't we just clean, this place is a mess. Bor-ing. But he was right. & when I glanced over at Abby's room and felt suddenly guilty for the piles of toys taking over her floor and her laundry basket slightly beginning to overflow. Okay, I'll do Abby's room. So, that we did. And oh, how I had no idea how sad it was going to be.

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My cleaning quickly turned into digging. Digging for tiny things that reminded me that she was still little. Little baby things. When I came across one single little newborn onesie that hand't been packed away, and pulled out little mini bottles of johnson shampoo that I got at my baby shower, and found her itty bitty hospital band..i almost cried. I looked over at my big girl playing with her book, and dropped everything I was doing and covered her in kisses.

How did one short year go by so quickly? Have I been the best mama of my ability? Does she know that she's loved? Does she know how much I love her? Have I savored every minute of her baby-ness and ate up every new milestone that she's achieved? Have I kissed her baby cheeks enough? Have I snuggled her when she's sad enough?

Oh, if I could go back and do it all again I so would. I can still remember how tiny she felt in the crook of my arm the night we brought her home from the hospital. I still remember her fresh little newborn smell. I still remember the special bonding time we shared when I nursed her. I still remember everything, but at the same time..I feel like I remember nothing. If that makes any type of sense at all. It's like it all went so fast..the past year has been like watching a movie in full speed mode.

Oh Abby baby. Just stay little a while longer.

For now, she's my little 20lb 10 and a half month old. Who is out with Daddy picking up Texas Roadhouse Carry Out. Who is trying so hard to walk, but isn't quite there yet. Who crawls at full speed and laughs when you chase her. Who smiles with her eyes. Who loves the water, bath or pool. Who says mama, dada, ball, hi, moon, and num-num's. Who waves. Who claps. Who lays her head down when we say AhhhhAwwwhh. Who lays her head on my shoulder when she's missed me. Who's changing every day.

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