Thursday, August 5, 2010

sometimes it's hard. but it's life.

*sigh* i miss my daughter so much when i'm working. it just kills me. it kills me to come home to see a happy girl crawling around on the floor playing chase with her daddy, i hate that i wasn't a part of their fun game...but glad that they love each other and play together so well all at the same time. i hate that all i want to do is squish her and love her and play with her for hours once i walk through the door, but the continuous eye rubbing and yawning makes me realize i'd just be a mean mommy to keep her up any longer. so i snuggle up some more lovins after i dress her in warm jammies & lay her down to sleep with a warm bottle & its bitter sweet when she rolls over and closes her eyes..loving that she's so comfy, but hating that i'm going to have to wake her back up way before her functioning hour, strap her in the carseat, and drop her off to my Grandma while i'm gone for another 12 hours. *sign again* some days are harder than others, and one of those tougher days.

night time at our house is usually pretty routine. jake and i lay abby down together around 9, we hang out for a while just the two of us..he heads to bed around 10 or 11..and the night owl (that's me) usually stays up much later than she should and hits the sack sometime after midnight. tonight wasn't so routine. for some baby couldn't sleep. and a part of my heart aches because theres just a smidge of me that thinks she knew it was back to work for mama the next day, and she was i was. so when she woke up at 2am, and then 3am, and then 4am..i didn't do the routine let her cry or talk herself back to sleep (i never do anyways)..i scooped her up in the dimly lit room and the way her little head rested against my shoulder as soon as her body hit mine..just melted me. completely, melted me. my heart grew 100 sizes and i sat in her rocking chair with her and loved her up, humming you are my sunshine until she was deep back into dream land. and then, when she woke up again..i softly carried her back in bed with us. the first time i've done it since she was a month old, and oh my was heaven. the whole 10 minutes it lasted, it was pure heaven. the sound of jake's heavy sleepy breathing, my little love in the crook of my arm..lightly breathing, and the streaks of light beaming in from the street light, i could see her little chest rasing & falling, her peaceful little closed eyes, her perfect little lips..and i cried. like a baby. because who couldn't cry? the two people i love most in this world right there in bed with me, pure bliss.

5 minutes later jake got up for a late night pee, and Abby shot up right behind him. but thats okay..because it's just how our life goes. sometimes its easy, sometimes its hard, sometimes we sleep..sometimes we spend the late hours awake..sometimes we cry, sometimes we all makes up this little thing we call life. thank you. thank you, thank you sweet little girl for teaching me what its all about.

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