Wednesday, December 29, 2010

In a funk.

I've started this blog post about five times now. I just can't seem to find the right words to start with. I can't put words together right mind is in a funk. Its complicated to even finish this paragraph.

When all else fails? Make a list.

1. I absolutely and positively love and adore this little piece of heaven that waddles around my apartment all day long. My once little 7lb newborn is now a toddler in the making. She talks, she laughs, she plays, she "reads" books, she gives kisses, and she feeds herself with a fork. This past year with her has been beyond words spectacular. Why God decided to bless me with such a perfect little angel I will never know. I'm sure glad that he did, though!

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2. My boyfriend is amazing. And I hate referring to him as "my boyfriend" because he is really so much more. When I say "boyfriend" I think of a high school boyfriend, or some guy I'm just casually dating. He is my whole heart, my best friend, my backbone, my daughters father, my soul mate, my lover, my Jakers, and the one and only person in this world who attempts to organize my crazy mind, and doesn't do too terrible of a job at it either!

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3. I have said this over and over and over and over again..and I will continue to say it. I have the best friends in the world. Like..I'm pretty sure that their better than yours. I hear so many stories about young mothers who loose their friends when they become pregnant. I didn't loose one. Jackie, Sam, Whitney, Christina, Nicole, Chance, Chelsea, and Ryan..I love all of you and cherish my friendship with each and every one of you, totally and completely. I feel the need to say it now more than ever. I love all of you for loving my baby girl and being there for Jake and I through this whole journey and life we have made together. Its different from yours, but you still want to be apart of it. That makes us happier than you will ever know. I don't know what I would ever do if I ever lost one of you.

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Random thoughts of today: I need to call Abby's pediatrician in the morning, despite the antibiotics, her ear infection doesn't seem to be healing. I am missing my blonde hair. I wish I had a day dedicated to sleep. Jake took down the Christmas tree today, I was sad. I'm so embarrassed by my car, I hate it. I want to buy a new dining room table and picture frames. I have to clean our bathroom tomorrow. We are moving in two months (holy crap). Abby will be a year and a half old soon (holy crap). I locked myself out of the apartment today and spent an hour beating on the front door, just to have to drive all the way to my mom's house to call Jake to tell him to let me in (I forgot my cell phone too). I want to go on a date with Jake, its been too long that we've gotten out just the two of us. I'm excited for college to start because it will be spring semester (spring? already?). I am extremely hot right now but I love my new electric blanket too much to turn it off. Jake cleaned the whole apartment today (besides the bathroom) which makes me very happy.

And this is when I come to that funk again, I don't know what to say or how to say it. So, I'm just going to be blunt - tonight was Alyssa's viewing. As if I thought it couldn't get more heartbreaking than it already was, it did. She looked just as beautiful as she always did. My mind is just in such a funk over it I just can't even stop saying it, I don't know how else to explain it. I don't understand it. Life or death. Why her? Why so tragically? Why on Christmas? Why two days before her birthday? Why?

Jackie and I pulled over on the side of the road to see her tree tonight. We stood there in silence, side by side in the freezing cold as cars zoomed past.

It still doesn't feel real. I hate driving down Tick Neck road now, and I had to twice today. Its like I have this constant pit in my stomach over all of this because I'm just so...heartbroken? Sad? Angry? Confused? I don't know the words.

All I know is...

I love my family. I love my friends. and I can't stop saying it. Driving is scary now. and I can't help but think this could be the last time i ever see them after a loved one leaves.

I am praying that Alyssa is resting peacefully and that her family and close friends are finding peace at mind...somehow, someway.

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